In and out of control

Two summers ago in Helsinki, I found my Estelle biting her nails. In the quietness of her bed, she would nibble at her fingers.

Over two years later, my Estelle is still an incessant nail-biter. She's had her nails (fingers AND toes) trimmed less than 10 times during this period.

We talked about it many times. I tried to appeal to her physical self, mental faculties, vain alter ego - yelling, encouraging, affirming, bribing, caning, rewarding, explaining, praying... I am exasperated. My emotions swing from anger to helplessness and back.

Estelle's fingers started to bleed because she had been getting at the skin on her finger tips now that nails are pretty short. You HAVE to stop this, I warned her.

"Why don't you let me do what I want, Mummy?" my little girl pleaded, tears streaming down her face. "Why don't you let me be?"

"Because I love you."

I am now having a discussion about nail-biting with my 5-year-old. In a few years time, we might be talking about boys, tattoos, smoking, ear rings, navel rings, nose rings... and goodness knows what else.

Earlier this week, I caught up with the school manager Nannu and asked for her help. Perhaps the teachers could look out for Estelle and remind her not to bite her nails.

Nannu confessed that she is a nail-biter herself and she had only recently stopped because her older son Joonas has started the habit. She hadn't been able to prevent herself from continuing this habit and she couldn't stop Joonas either. And mind you, Joonas is in Estelle's class and right under his mother's nose all day long.

Estelle joined us as we talked and she listened intently. Joonas and Estelle can remind each other to stop, Nannu suggested.

At least I can be consoled that in this aspect, the school manager, the supposed child expert, is as out of control as I am. This is also about letting go and loving Estelle more than ever.

I hope she will overcome this habit soon. Estelle's struggles to curb her urges are as difficult as my efforts to leave her alone.

It is important we can talk and bare our emotions to each other. I still want to do this when she is a teenager.

As we finished our conversation with Nannu and getting ready to go home, Jules hopped to his locker to show me a treat his friend had given the class. It was Julia's birthday and she gave her classmates a little chocolate bar each.

One of Jules' friend H had also come into the cloak room to show his dad the treat. Half a minute later, H was howling and raising a ruckus. According to my kids who witnessed the incident, H's little brother had snatched the treat away and refused to give it back.

H's father was persuading him to let his little brother have it. If H was as excited as Jules was, he was not giving in without a fight. H somehow knew he could not get it back by force so he begged his father to "get it back for him". The father then asked the younger boy to give it back until the older one put on his clothes to go home. The father went between the two boys like a headless chicken.

The little one may be the smarter one: he held on to his treasure and stood quietly in a corner while his older brother wailed and stormed.

Nannu came out for a look and pacified the commotion by offering the younger boy a lollipop.

While I tried not to gawk, my kids watched the events unfold and seemed to take in every detail.

This incident reminded me of my not-so-distant past. I was often told to give in to my brother because he was younger. You should love your brother because you only have one, they kept saying. My brother was a harmless chap (still is!) but perhaps my mother especially, felt that he needed help to get more in life. She may not be thinking about favouritism but it sure came across as being terribly unfair for me.

My heart went out to H that day but I was in no position to interfere.

I try my best to be fair with my kids. They know their entitlements are not affected by age or gender. They also know that some things can't be helped: like Jules can't put on a dress or skirt. Otherwise, they get equal portions of dessert or they get a new T-shirt each when I go shopping. Because they have been given 'freedom of speech', they can speak up for themselves if they think they are being 'discriminated against'.

Sometimes I wish I can simply reply "because I say so" when they ask a question. But I am also constantly kept on my toes because I know that my kids don't accept ambiguity.